i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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