So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
