Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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