I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
