I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
