Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
