I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's shark week go big or go home
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