Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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