I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize