maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
