An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
