i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
