It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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