yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
