she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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