I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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