I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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