Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
