Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
