It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
