An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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