Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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