Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
