My friends, they love my intelligence
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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