After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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