Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
