I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
