Where did you get a picture of my penis
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
