did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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