I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize