Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
