Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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