did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
