i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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