was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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