Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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