Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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