i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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