Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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