we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
