It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
