this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
