If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
