I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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