Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
