Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
