i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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