Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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