Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
