Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
