Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
