The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Don't EVER smell your tampon
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
