Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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