so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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