seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
