Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
