she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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