i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
