My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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