If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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